I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I party with great urgency now.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
