Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
