Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
