the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
