I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
