hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
