I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
