we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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