On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Just high enough for therapy.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
