You just made me feel so damn special
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
