Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
