this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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