I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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