you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My balls are so social today.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
