it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
