so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
