dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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