I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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