Pants 0. Shit 1.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
