I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
