Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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