The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
vagina is talking i cant
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
we're so committed to being not committed
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