I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
