He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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