New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
