youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
