but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Too much gin, very little bucket
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
