Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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