I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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