you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
