Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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