Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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