so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize