so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
