It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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