We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize