I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
