he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
