he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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