John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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