Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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