He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
