When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
