Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I FOUND THE LEGS
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
