i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i think i have two assholes
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
