My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
