it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
