i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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