I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
