Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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