Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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