she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
