Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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