i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
