I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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