Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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