oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
