Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
