i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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