Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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