i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
