Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
