YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
