i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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