I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
