And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
