you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
