I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
