Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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